Thoughts from Behind the Barn

Has it really been a month?

2006-11-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap!!

So, here goes..

The results of my "eye opening" conversation with my friend..

I'm smitten.. she batted her eyes and smote me!!

We've been "dating" ever since and I can't express the amazing feeling of belonging and rightness..
You wouldn't even believe me..
I AM SO BLESSED!

She's working on immigrating to Canada now.. We need to find her a job! Then we can work on a home..

My friends here are happy for me, and some are even helping with the job search..

I miss her so much when she's not here.. or I'm not there.. makes for long weeks.. But the conversations are amazing, from deep mature serious adult conversation to completely silly 16year old cheesy mushy stuff.. I"M IN LOVE.. give me a break! LOL

On another note.. got my raise at work.. a whole dollar.. this is good.. Life is fitting comfortably.. finally, it's been a trial..

Well worth it.

God Bless, Peace Out..

No cheating

2006-10-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

This time.

K, a real post.. let's see where it takes us..

Amazing how life can be rollercoasterish.

Friday last week, I was getting ready to go to Seattle to visit a good friend, my ex, our daughter and I talked (we took turns;-) and I listened to my ex as she voiced her sadness that she'd "lost" our daughter.. Cause she's happy here, and wants to stay.. Don't like to hear her say it, cause she hasn't "lost" anything.

Then I go to visit my friend, and it's an eye opening weekend.. my girl loved the zoo, the children's museum had a Clifford the Big Red Dog exhibit.. AWESOME.. and maybe one day I'll post about, my eye opening experience... but not yet.

On Monday I heard my favorite uncle is in the hospital with a "mystery" illness... Yeah.. ups and downs..

So, if you think of me, know I'm doing better than expected, and less jumbled than normal.

L8R peeps..

Happy Turkey Day

2006-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

Seems a good a day to post as any..;-)

So, thanksgiving, a good day to post.

Do you know what your thankful for?

I like to think I have an inkling..

Living with my daughter, a sister who cares enough to help me get my feet under me.
A God who is patient with me.

Good friends.. I am truly blessed there.

A good job with understanding bosses.

My health,

Family that unconditionally loves me.

My "neices" (you know who you are)

The internet. Good communication tool.

The fact that my ex trusts me with our girl....

The child tax credit..*grin*

My goodness, what a list..

Anyway, that's it today.. add what you think in your comments... to what I should be thankful for I haven't mentioned..LOL

God Bless, Peace Out.

You's all gonna hate me..LOL

2006-10-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

This was fun.. and good answer, I typically play and am now playing.. a Ranger..LOL

Ranger
You scored 47 Holy, 40 Tactful, 85 Natural, and 20 Arcane!

Hmm, you've got the skills, nobody can deny that. You're a hard nut to crack in a fight, you can hound an enemy like no other, you have a connection to the wilderness that borders on supernatural, and the animals back home love you. Don't be fooled by LOTR though, you are not a natural leader. In fact, you're probably a bit of a recluse, and you are reasonably rash. You gave up understanding why humans treat each other so needlessly bad a long time ago, and have just decided to do what you can for the defenseless of us by savaging the people that harm what you love. If everyone were like you this world would be a great place... but since it's not, better get back to hunting evildoers... with uncanny intensity.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 48% on Godliness

You scored higher than 27% on Tact

You scored higher than 81% on Harmony

You scored higher than 3% on Arcane

Link: The Which D & D Class am I Test written by effataigus on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

And the best yet

2006-10-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Yah.. she's happiest about the "full house" girl.. *smirk*

This was way too funny

2006-10-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

I think it's the forehead that matches most..LOL

Friends did this, so I thought I'd try..

Idea from a friend

2006-09-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Here goes.

A is for Age: 37

B is for beer of choice: Beer?? Eww!!!

C is for career: greenchain/forklift driver at sawmill

D is for your dog's name: no dog, but my cat is Murphy

E is for essential item you use everyday: computer

F is for favorite song at the moment: Coming Undone by Korn

G is for favorite game: to play? City of Heroes/City of Villains. To be active? SCA Rapier

H is for home town: Chilliwack

I is for instruments you play: guitar

J is for favorite juice: Banana Colada

K is for one thing people don't know about you: if I told you, you'd know.

L is for last hug? Daughter

M is for marriage: Divorced twice

N is for name of your last ex: Michelle..(not ex wife)

O is for overnight hospital stays: Broken cheekbone, surgery.

P is for phobias: phobias scare me.

Q is for quotation: "Seriously, all seriousness aside."
~ Lord Ayngus MacGregor

S is for status: Breathing....stressed..tired..LOL

T is for time you wake up: around 5:45 on workdays, whenever on offdays.

U is for unknown fact about you: I'm not as nice as people think.

V is for vegetables you love: Corn on the cob.

W is for worst habit: smoking.

X is for x-rays you've had: Dental, cheekbone, foot,

Y is for yummy food you make: make?? Like I have to cook?

Z is for zodiac: Taurus.. are we surprised??

So that was fun.. and it gets my post quota in for the month..LOL

L8R Peace Out

Update update update

2006-08-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

Yah.. its been that long..

Thanks for the prayers.. Got a new job!! I make 4 bux an hour more and I don't work weekends or with crack addicts or drunks anymore......

Next news.. for those unaware.. My daughter isn't going home at the end of August.. without getting into details.. that's for coffee talk.. LOL.. we've come to the conclusion..(my ex and I) that we should see how my girl does here for the year!!!!

Can you believe it!! I'm DAD again...YAY!!

Also, my oldest.. someone I haven't talked to in over a year and a half has been exchanging emails with me!!

This summer has been UNREAL!! I am so thankful for the opportunities I've been given with my girls and with new work.. Thanks DAD!!

Now if I could just get my love life figured!!

L8R

I'm getting tired.

2006-07-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

Life is just nasty.

So.. I work at a convenience store in the "darker" part of my town.. 3 weeks ago I had some moron put a knife to my throat for telling him and his friends they couldn't stay on the lot and then last night there was a shooting across the street.. I don't need this..

The one guy I want to talk to about this passed away two weeks ago..DAMN I hate this..

My daughter is visiting for the whole summer, and this really alters how the past events have effected me.. and I just started dating a really awesome lady.. Like I need anything bad to happen now..

I'm just blessed they didn't shoot toward the store.. or in the parking lot, or in the store.. I was so upset my boss sent me home early..

I need prayer, for a new job, a new opportunity to move on.. and a better paycheck would be nice too...

Tanks for your prayers..

God bless, Peace Out..

The hardest day in a long time.

2006-06-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

I love you brother..

This is a difficult time for me right now.. my "big brother" Jeff has passed on. Not sure what to say, not sure what to feel.. But he's gone.. I will always think of Jeff with a smile, and know whenever I'm feeling down I'll hear his voice clear as a bell.."Get over yourself Ray...life goes on!"

After a tough battle with cancer he finally let go last night at about 10:30 pm with family and friends in attendance.. I couldn't be there, as he was in Seattle, but I was there none the less.

Please pray for me and his family and friends.. Jeff was one of a kind and impacted everyone who met him..

Friends... all who read this.. Thanks for paying attention to a small corner of Terra, I appreciate it.

God bless, peace out.
Good bye my brother.

Wow over a month

2006-05-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

Man.. I sure am bad at this.. LOL

Well.. this is weird.. I haven't said much or been here for a bit. Thanks to all who browse and peruse for new posts from time to time...

Well.. it's a good possibility I'll be Daddy this summer.. My ex is thinking it would be good for our daughter to come spend the time with me here... from June til August.. could've knocked me over with a feather...

If you think of me during this time.. pray for guidance and peace for me and my girl.. We'll need it..

L8R. Peace Out.

Hey.. Long time

2006-04-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

No see..

Not really a post, but a glimpse, if you will ... this new song by Korn has struck a chord.. not sure if it's lyrics or the video, or a combination, but I thought I'd share the lyrics I've found for it here anyway...

"Coming Undone"

Keep holding on When my brain's tickin' like a bomb,Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words Unlike nothing I have heard,Sing along mocking bird You don't affect me

That's right...Deliverance of my heart. Be straight...Be deliberate

[Chorus]
Wait,I'm coming undone, Unlaced,I'm coming undone,
Too late, I'm coming undone, What looks so strong So delicate.

Wait,I'm starting to suffocate, And soon I anticipate, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong So delicate.

Choke choke again I thought my demons were my friends. Getting me in the end They're out to get me.
Since I was young I've tasted sorrow on my tongue, And this sweet chugga gun Does not protect me.

That's right Trigger between my eyes, Please strike, Make it quick now

[Chorus]

I'm, trying to hold it together, Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better, Not getting better

[Chorus]

So there ya go.. my lyrical content for this last few weeks..
L8r all.. God Bless Peace Out.

It's about bloomin' time!!

2006-03-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

YAY!!

Well, it's been 8 months, but I finally drove my truck around town today.. Now it's just aircare and then insurance!!!!! YAY!!

Just a quick update... I'm so excited, vehicular freedom!

Since February??

2006-03-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

OMG!!!

Hey, it's been awhile.. LOL

Couple of updates... I still work at the sev... fun job, doesn't pay enough, but I love the job... Just getting tired of the hours.... I think it's affecting my ability to have a life, meet people and exist "normally", but it's where I am right now, so we'll see.. LOL

Inspite of that, I'm meeting some new people, most of them on the cyber end of life.. but I still interact with the human mind... instead of mindless stuff..*wink*.. Lovin that.. odd, but I do.

I have realized that inspite of the last 3 years, I'm doing OK.. I survive, if you understand my drift... I just think it's getting close to the time where survival isn't enough.. where I need to step outside of my shell and live life... Does that make sense?? I hope so..

So, however things work out in the next few months.. I'll do my best to see things with eyes wide open.. accepting what comes... as best as I can..

Blessings on ya'all.. those who still come here and read...*snicker*

God Bless, Peace Out!

Wow.. has it been that long.

2006-02-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

Checkin the watch.. uhm.. yup it has.

Well, few things new.. I gotta laptop.. YAY.. and an alternator for the truck YAY!!
AND.. I payed my speeding fine..196!! and registered my truck and payed parking insurance..

Couple more things to do and I should be mobile.. if that is the only issue with teh truck I'm laughin.

My ex is getting remarried this month.. still dealin with that.. uhm.. what else..
Oh yeah.. I play way to much City of Heroes.. but I gots nothing else to do between 12 and 8 am on my nights off..LOL

Thinking I need some motivation to change some things in my life.. I know I need to quit smokin, but I should get out more.. go to the gym maybe?? I know I wish I had constant access to a hot tub about now.. *snicker*

My Rapier is doing well.. I had someone ask me to be his student, with the possibility of cadeting.. (if you know the SCA this is self explanitory)
Basically a really knowledgable Rapier fighter has asked to teach me what he knows...Cause he sees a lot of ability and potential.

Still single. Living with that.. not a lot of options to meet people with my schedule..LOL

Anyway.. I hope to update sooner when I can actually think of things to write..LOL
L8R People.

Another Ripped Quiz

2006-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

Cause I don't have much to write.. hope this makes sense.. LOL

Paradox
You scored 22 Socially Involved, 40 Alienated, 36 Contented and 28 Optimistic

Somehow, you managed to be quite socially discontented yet not alienated to others and/or your surroundings. Your social involvement score is low, meaning that you're apparently not highly social. The conjunction of these facts likely means that you're not significantly alienated to a certain group of persons/environments (e.g., a few close friends, a parent, or the natural world) while you are alienated to a group of different persons/environments -- in just such a way that alienation to the other group critically lowers your level of contentment.

Your optimism score is fairly low as well, which is probably the result of your current feelings of discontentment. You may want to consider a non-serious relationship with someone whose company you nonetheless enjoy. This could raise your contentment score and your self-confidence, while at the same time, not potentially resulting in a painful rejection. So, a non-serious relationship seems like a safe bet with potentially high returns.

Ripped quiz..?

2005-12-15T04:07:00.000-08:00

Ripped from Elspeth who ripped it from Kieran.. LOL

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Here it comes..

2005-12-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

The Somewhat Monthly Blog......;-)

Hello faithful readers.........are you still there?

it's 2 weeks till Christmas.. I haven't gone shopping.. Don't know what to get or where to get it...

Only can buy one present this year.. will go to my youngest daughter.. *shrug*.. I'll pay for that later...

I'd like to go on about the wonders of Christmas and the joy of friends and family, but Damn it, it sux.. Canned music, forced kindness, and honestly, no feeling of connection.. I can understand why this time of year the suicide rate skyrockets here.. That and Christmas Credit Debt....

No, I'm not feeling suicidal.. just mildly depressed.

Still fighting for a raise at work.. They offered me 35 cents.. 35 &%$&^$% cents.. I've been there for over a year and I add A LOT to the job, not to mention, I am the security system... I took off for a few days, and while I was gone, they got robbed again.. They only get robbed when I'm out of town.. Why is that only worth 35 &%$^%^& cents.. It makes no sense..

Problem is, I like my job, and I love the people I work with.. But I can't go on like this.. I need something to change..
Maybe I need a shugah mamma!!! Nah, I'd have other things to feel bad about then.. Including my self image........in a different angle than normal, but it'd get to me too...

I really want life to be different.. I love the people in my life.. But I need something more..

God, open my eyes.. open my heart and let me see the TRUTH!

L8R faithful readers.. Until next time...

God bless, Peace Out!

Has it really been that long??

2005-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry for the gaps...:-(

Anyhew..

Just finished an awesome book, and before you laugh to much, I mean it really had a lot to say..

It's the book Bono.. a dialogue between, well Bono and a journalist friend of his, over two years..

Very informative and lets you know a little bit of how Bono thinks and feels.. Not to mention his faith..

Wow.. if anything it really reaffirms my own convictions on how I think about some of the same things.. Especially faith.. I really appreciated that.. I mean, I really envy this man.. not his money or fame, but that quiet sense of who he is and where he's short.. ya know??
I mean, compare the two personas of Bono and Gene Simmons.. both amazingly sucessful beings in music and business.. yet I envy Mr. Simmons not at all.. There is this difference of humility between the two.. I appreciate the fact that Bono took the time to work with Mishka(sp?) on this.. very good stuff.. Kudos Mr. Hewson.

Anyway, I'm still working on working on the stuff I've been working on since starting this journal.. And I hope to be better at updating these things as I grow..

L8R peoples.. thanks for checkin in on me from time to time.. appreciated.

Isn't this just the Cutist??

2005-10-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Isn't she just the most gorgeous and perfect?? Latest pic, hoping to get more.. I know, I'm biased.. just a bit... This is MY Lorien... LOL I love You sweetie...

I just figured out how to post pics from my online webalbum to Blogger...Neat trick

Left, Right??

2005-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Which way to go?????

Hey ya'all.. How's it going?
Things are moving along the way they always do.. Creditors calling, working, sleeping, working and sleeping...Ya, I agree.. little repetative..

I'm sitting here, on my day off, wondering.. What? What do I do next? How do I fix my debt? How do I continue my life, move on from where I've been?

These questions haunt me daily. I sit and wonder if I will find passion for anything again.

Went out with some friends last night.. We have a valued member of our group moving his family away.. Better work, more opportunity.. He knows he needs to do it.. But we had a farewell get together for him...

I felt displaced, and unattached.. and like I was forcing myself to be "involved". Why? What is so wrong with me I can't just be and enjoy life like I used to?

Father is still here. Walking beside me as I trudge through each day, watching my feet as I go. I want to start looking up and forward... See Him walking with me, hearing His words. I want it, and can't just force it either..

So.. if you pray.. Pray for me.. If you don't..well.. pray for me.. LOL

You all have a wonderful day.. see what you have and enjoy it all.. Appreciate it, Relish it.. Don't let go without a fight..

L8R ya'all

God Bless, Peace Out.

This wheel keeps on turning.....

2005-08-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Step by meager step.....

Hello again.. how are ya'all???

Since my last post.. I've been feeling introspective... Looking at who I am, and why I am... Thanks Jeff... for the push... I really could use your optimism and wisdom now!

I've been talking to some close friends about my view of me and their view of me and the vast difference...

Quote one friend...."I think that by acknowledging that you want to be a better friend and stick more to your convictions, you are already farther ahead in that aim than you think. I also think that you don't realize how highly you are regarded by your friends."
Thanks Mel

But sometimes I still feel like that 19 year old kid that has all these ideas and opinions that everyone shrugs off as immature... pointless and the rantings of a child... Ya know?

Also.. I've realized I make "friends" easily.. get to know people.. they talk to me, they trust me... Yet I can't trust myself... I don't get it...
Deep relationship is still difficult... Can't put my heart into it... Afraid of Risk?? Still stuck?? Mourning.. i don't know why... or maybe I can't admit it..
Still reflecting on that one..

Am I raving mad?? I sit here.. thinking of all the friends I do have, and who I know love me as much if not more than I love them, and all I can think of is the one I love who doesn't return it... Am I stupid, crazy, or just a glutton for punishment??

One day, I'll figure out how to just relax and be me with anyone.. And not be too intense about how they feel about me.. Ya know?? Just me, no holds barred and no apologies...

Hi I'm me... Deal with it.

L8R children.. Peace Out God Bless..

Introspection happens.

2005-08-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

But why do bad things have to happen to cause it?

I had a friend pass on last week... Good friend.. a year older than me...
He died of cancer... In his throat... Not pretty.. Thing is, he didn't smoke, didn't drink and he was a Naturopath...or Homeopath......And good at it... He followed his own regimen rather than pharmaceuticals.... Stuck to his convictions..As always..
I admire that.. and hope I too can be so.... faithful to me..

Really made me sit down and think of what was important to me.. Life's priorities et al.

Daughters, parents, my ex... my faith, my friends... What is important to me... But it's still coming clear.. the fog hasn't lifted.. I know I want to be a better Dad, a better friend... and I intend on sticking to my convictions..as I always have... but it still makes you think..

So, Ian, Keith, Geoff, Mel, Dannie, Gail, and Terry.. I love you all, and I pray I can be that friend..

Geo, Eric, Ed, Jamie.. and all of those I can't write everyone.. I am sorry I suck at staying in touch... So did my dear departed friend..........and I miss him..

Love ya all..
God Bless Peace Out.

I just don't get it.

2005-07-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

I mean...really what am I missing here.

Hey all.. been awhile I know..
Things are just busy I guess...work sleep..you know.

I've been separated over two years now...Divorced since last.......January..ya January..and talking to my ex today I really can tell I still love her deeply..

She doesn't know that.. I don't tell her.. but she's going through all these rough things, and I pray for her and feel for her, and just want to hold her and be there...

But I can't... Too far away and too far away.. (if you catch my meaning)

Pray for her..health and mental state, my girl, her baby and pray for me..

Could use some REAL wisdom on this one..

Thanks faithful readers.

L8R Peace Out

Thought this'd be fun..

2005-07-12T01:38:00.000-07:00

You?
I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Fighter

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Does it ever stop??

2005-06-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

And if no.. why not?

Well.. life is still life.. which means... it's not boring?

Remember I was dating? Well.. we discussed some things and it is better for us to remain friends... we do well together as friends... I love her to pieces... I can tell her almost anything... don't ever want to lose that.

Then I get all lonely and depressed.. go figure.. LOL.. I'm just not happy unless I'm not happy..

I met a lady.. two young kids.. very cool.. like her lots... but I don't know what to expect from her or what she thinks... still friends.. but we'll see...

Then I meet another lady.. closer to my age, very much theologically bent as I, three teenagers, and definately likes me... I like her too.. wish we could talk more.. see if I could like her more.. but ... I'm just not... what's the word I'm lookin for here... uhm ... passionate about it.. I can call her, or not.. see her... or not... And because I don't contact her more often, she thinks I might not like her or am afraid of her kids...

Honestly.. I don't think we could stay anything more than friends for too long.. So instead of causing more grief than necessary.. I should just lay low.. tell her, but lay low..

See.. I've been thinking.. I've been separated for over two years, divorced for 6mths... And yet.. when I think of being with someone again, or for a long time.. I think of my ex.. and I miss her still... I am coming to grips with the fact that even though she left me, and hurt me deeply in doing so... I still have a love for her..
Can't remember if I posted this or not, and haven't read my own stuff before writing this, but she had a baby girl on the 17th of May... not mine...
I still miss her, regret how my part in our relationship hurt her.. And wish there was/had been a way for things to turn out differently..

In short.. I am lonely.. I do want to be with someone who I care about as much as they care about me.. I just haven't totally let go of my ex..

If you read this, Pray for me.. I need release and renewal.. kinda like a bad ipconfig file...LOL

So.. I don't know what else to say here.. I am still fighting that constant battle with apathy, trying to give a s^i& about more than what's right in front of my face.... And I'm trying to live again...

Lord... if ever I needed your supportive arms.. the time is now..

L8R
Peace Out, God Bless.

What in God's Name?

2005-05-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

Confusion, misinterpretation, more confusion.

Hi.

These last few months have been odd for me. Up then down.. left then right.
I can't seem to keep it straight.

I'll update ya, if'n ya haven't been around much.

Officially divorced for about 5 months after a 18 month separation.. Ex got pregnant.. she's due like any minute now if she hasn't given birth yet.

Tried dating a girl I really do like... Just not meant to be.. She's still an awesome friend, don't ever want to lose that, but it really wasn't a good time for either of us.

Was given some awesome gifts for my B-day...(that my ex forgot for the second year in a row...OUCH).. Really enjoy my fencing too...(two of my gifts were a simulater Rapier and Dagger set for fencing....;-)

Now.. I've been at the same job for about 6 months or so, and I like it... need some more challenges though.. gotta push my boss for more training.. *grin*

Anyhow the crunch.

I'm really grasping at my faith... it's there, it isn't, I think about it, I don't. I miss having that charge, that intense testing of faith I used to get hangin out with the ol'house church.... I mean really miss it.. maybe it is the (and here we go with that inflaming word again) accountability I miss.. that checkin in with my bros and sis' about where I'm at and how I feel...

I've got no ambition, or motiviation to do anything or go anywhere... I mean, I'm thinking about joining a gym.. or something.. just to get out of the house when I'm not working.. Something...

I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now.
Maybe I'll right again later... who knows..
Thanks for catchin up with me.

L8R.. Peace Out... God bless.

My life is cyclic.

2005-05-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting dizzy.

Hello faithful reader.............'s (snicker).. It's been 30 days since my last confession....

Seems I've gone from happy to sad to happy to morose to bitchy to happy to........... you get the idea.

Right now, I'm in a "funk" and not the get down and shake your bootie kinda funk, but in the I need to back off and think kinda funk.. In case you weren't aware of the different kinds.

Not sure as to why I feel this way.. could be lack of activity, could be a bad case of "I feel sorry for myself" again... or lack of social interaction... I'm not cut out for the hermitic lifestyle.. As much respect as I have for those who can be alone for long periods of time.. I don't deal well.. start to go a bit crazy.

But.. like I said.. my life is cyclic... so something's gotta happen to change things...... right? Is it possible?

Only God knows.

Peace Out..

OH MY GOD!!!!!

2005-04-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

here we go again.

Sitting here today, 4 hours before I start work, thinking waaaaaaaaaaay to much.

I miss being married.. I miss my girls, I miss having some semblance of a pattern to the day. This whole work existence is getting to me. I don't go out, I don't see anyone, and it's driving me nuts.

There's only so much useless things a guy can do in a week before he starts to go a little bonkers. That's where I am, just sitting around going stir crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I really like my work, but there's gotta be more to existence than..............existence.

Here's to figuring it out.

L8R

So? Anyone?

2005-03-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone is reading this anymore.

Hello Cyber world, long time no see.

Been awhile, I know, my fault.. I don't stay in touch well.. Sporadic in my attempts to communicate.. I'm terrible.

Things are kinda hard to explain these days..

I work as a "Sales Associate" at a local convenience store.. can we say "7/11" ;-)

The divorce is final.. I am not married anymore..
I started dating a friend I've been talking to for almost a year, we've been "dating" for about two months.

She's really cool. Funny, point blank in your face honest.. and very..... affectionate.. things I really like about her... As far as I can tell, as I'm not the best "relationship explainer", we don't LOVE each other, we just really like to spend our time together..

Here's where it gets fun...

I'm missing something.. I wake up, I got to work, I go to sleep.... I wake up, I got work, I go to sleep... In between I fence once a week, play a TONNE of Evercrack...(that's everquest for those of you out of the "loop") and spend a bit of time with my friend.

I don't really do much else, don't feel motivated really to do more, and I'm getting really tired.. I sleep tonnes..

I'm a bit worried. I'm spinning in circles.. not getting anywhere, and I'm feeling less and less inclinced to do anything about it..

I gotta figure something out soon.. I'm starting to get afraid.
Very afraid.

I'll talk again.. L8r... Maybe.. we'll see..

You get the drift.
Peace Out!

Hey hey hey

2005-01-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

Again..

This is my girl's school pic.. Her first one...

I miss her very much... she is growing up so fast and I'm missing so much...
If you ever see this stuff Lorien.. I love you very much...
IF you don't... others know I love you...

Miss you sweetheart...

Daddy...

It's that time of Year again..

2004-12-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

So here I go...

Inspired by, not of, my two beautiful daughters.. Tessa(13) and Lorien (5)

Have a good one people...

Peace to you and yours...

Hello

2004-12-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

It's me again.

It's that time of year... TV full of fake and twisted ideas of what Peace on Earth should be, canned music everywhere... and the push to buy bigger and better for our "loved ones" in the hopes they buy bigger and better for us....

I don't like Christmas at the best of times.....

It's the 3rd Christmas I won't see Tessa and the second I won't see Lorien... (they're my daughters if you weren't aware)...
They were the big reasons for enjoying this holiday time.. to see their smiles, their eyes sparkling with anticipation.. to hear them laugh, to feel the hugs...
Yeah I miss my girls..

What's cute, I have a friend I talk to alot about these things, and she decided to help me this year, so she bought a gingerbread house to build together, cause it's a memory I have with Lorien... And she got me a chocolate laden Advent Calender.... and a Dutch Chocolate R.. for my name.. (she's Dutch, like me...LOL)

And when I said no Christmas presents.. she found me a little Hannukah gift instead... (loop holes withing Loop holes... ;-) ) She found a small "disco" ball.. for the Festival of Lights....

Yes, my friends are goofy.. LOL

Anyway.. here's to building new memories.. LOL

Wow

2004-11-30T10:18:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile....

Hey.. just sitting here realizing I haven't posted in like forever... let's catch up..

My wife has filed for divorce.... that did hurt..
She is also pregnant with the child of the man she lives with... that also hurt, but it gave me a strong sense of release...

She does plan on marrying the guy when the divorce is final.. I wish her the best.. I really don't want anything bad for her..

I got a new job... low paying but steady.. I work at a 7/11 in town, they want me to train for management as soon as possible... a job with a future.. go figure...

I'm fencing again.. have been for about a year.. love it.. and I have a tournament on the 4th.. should be interesting..
I have to work the 3rd... at midnight.. so technically the 4th.. til 8am.. a friend will pick me up at work and I will go to the tourney from there.. it's going to be tiring, but I'll make it..

My relationship with God is very strained.. I am in serious doubt as to where I stand, and what I am willing to persue with Him.. I know He's there, and I know He's inherently good, but I wonder if He really cares about where I'm at and what I'm doing.. It's kinda sad, but it's true..

My youngest is doing well, she's enjoying school, is in the church Christmas play, (she's an angel, and thinks the halo is uncomfortable..... wouldn't we all...LOL)
My oldest is growing up way fast... I miss them both.. hopefully will see them soon...

I pray for financial change.. got a job... so it's gonna be a slow change, but it's gonna...

Anyway, thats my update, hopefully I will be able to post more often... about good stuff, growth stuff and maybe, if I'm truly blessed, some happy stuff..

By the way, I feel mostly alright lately..

God bless ya all, Peace Out.

Another Test...

2004-10-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Got this from WaterCarriers...who got it from another site...;-)

Here's the link: http://www.methodx.org/thelife/test.asp

It came up with this....I think it's funny...

You are a Mystic, known for your imaginative, intuitive spirituality. You value peace, harmony, and inner silence. Mystics are nurtured by walking alone in the woods or sitting quietly with a trusted friend. You may also enjoy poetry, meditation, wordless prayer, candles, art, books, and anything else that helps you connect with God.

Mystics experience God best through rich images and symbols. You are contemplative, introspective, intuitive, and focused on an inner world as real to you as the exterior one. Hearing from God is more important to you than speaking to God. Others may attribute human characteristics to God, but you see God as ineffable, unnamable, and more vast than any known category. You are intrigued by God's mystery.

Mystics want to inspire and persuade others, and need to live lives of significance. At times you push the envelope of spirituality, helping the rest of us imagine who we might become if we followed your lead.

Sometimes you may feel a bit guilty about your need for solitude and silence. If so, you probably have bought into the American myth that says being alone and doing nothing is lazy, antisocial, and unproductive. Stop it -- now. Give yourself permission to retreat and be alone. It's essential for your well-being.

On the other hand, don't get so carried away retreating that you become a recluse. That only deprives the world of your gifts and deprives you of the lessons that come from being with others. Some Mystics may have a true vocation for solitary prayer, but the rest of you need to alternate retreat time with involvement and interaction.

Famous Mystics:
Thomas Merton Enya John (the Gospel writer) Brother Lawrence (Practicing the Presence of God) Desert mothers and fathers Charlie Brown Sister Wendy Phoebe Buffay Julian of Norwich Luke Anthony de Mello The Who

Do you think I fit?? LOL

L8R

Inane Cuteness

2004-10-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

A friend of mine is really good at drawing cute Anime type things. And her and her roommate decided on what type of "animal" best fits me right now.
So I thought I would share it with you.

He's an Otter, and he's a rapier fighter...(as am I, fighter not an actual otter.)
Thought I would share it, it's light, it's fluffy, and I don't feel like delving today, so I thought..it's been almost a month, should blog something...so here it is.

Hope ya like it, let me know

It's Dark out here

2004-09-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

Real Dark.

Hi.

Well, those of you who have read here before know that I've been separated from my wife for a year and a half...

She now has a boyfriend...I've been praying and hoping for a miracle for my marriage, and all my hope died. I'm so broken, alone and dark.

Thoughts of escape and even death have haunted me as I try and sleep..I've also lost my business recently...no money, no love, no hope...I'm dyin' here...is this thing on??

My cynicism and sarcasm have escaped full blown, I'm burning out my friends, and I'm lost..

I need something to change..I don't know what I want, or even how to change..

My life has been dark before, but never this dark.

Prayer is empty and hopeless, I am always ready to cry, but can't....

I am so F*&^'d up, sorry no other way to put it.

Pray for me, as it doesn't seem to be that I can.

Peace Out......

Randomness

2004-08-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

here we go:

Numbness washes through me,
In this darkness I can not see,
What it is I'm lookin' for.
Is it finally behind this door?

I walk, I run, and trip and fall.
Lying on the ground I look up and call.
Answers that I'm lookin' for.
Is it finally behind this door?

Hands of love are reaching out,
At seeing them I begin to shout.
What is it I'm lookin' for?
And will it be behind this door?

Later, Peace Out.

Lethargy...wanna change, but can't find the energy.

2004-08-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

No really, Lethargy does that.

Honest...since seeing my wife and daughter in Edmonton two weeks ago, I've been listless. Empty.
Lethargy is all I can find to describe it...I hate the feeling, I try to think different, but am drawn back into it never the less.

Conundrum....wrapped in an enigma.....Desperately wanting to change, lethargically coasting along.

I desire His passion, His purpose and His will............................................what do I do about it..

Nothing....but I need to do something...or I will end up spending my time doing nothing, until the end of time.

I miss my girls...and yes, I still miss my wife....I miss being happy, having good long laughs and hanging with Jesus...

Can't remember how I lost this.

Father, I pray right here and right now...that You make yourself known to me....Please? I desperately need You.....more than ever.

Draw me forth from this Tomb.....

"Raymond................Raymond................come forth!!!!!!!!"
I pray to hear you, to step out of this hole and remove the burial cloth....

God bless y'all, Peace Out.

A fictional thought made real?

2004-08-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

written by R.A. Salvatore in the "Legacy of the Drow" series...by the character Drizzit Do'Urden

We are the center. In each of our minds - some may call it arrogance, or selfishness - we are the center, and all the world moves about us, and for us, and because of us. This is the paradox of community, the one and the whole, the desires of the one often in direct conflict with the needs of the whole. Who among us has not wondered if all the world is no more than a personal dream?
I do not believe that such thoughts are arrogant or selfish. It is simply a matter of perception; we can empathize with someone else, but we cannot truly see the world as another person sees it, or judge events as they affect the mind and heart of another, even a friend.
But we must try. For the sake of all the world, we must try. This is the test of altruism, the most basic and undeniable ingredient for society. Therein lies the paradox, for ultimatley, logically, we each must care more about ourselves than about others, and yet, if, as rational beings we follow that logical course, we place our needs and desires above the needs of our society, and then there is no community.
I come from "Menzoberranzan, city of drow, city of self. I have seen that way of selfishness. I have seen it fail miserably. When self-indulgence rules, than all the community loses, and in the end, those striving for personal gains are left with nothing of real value.
Because everything of value that we will know in this life comes from our relationships with those around us. Because there is nothing material that measures against the intangibles of love and friendship.
Thus we must overcome that selfishness and we must try; we must care. I saw this truth plainly following the attack on my friend. My first inclination was to believe my past had precipitated the trouble, that my life course had again brought pain to a friend. I could not bear this thought. I felt old and I felt tired. Subsequently learning the trouble was possibly brought on by my friend's old enemies, not my own, gave me more heart for the fight.
Why is that? The danger to me was no less, nor was the danger to my friends.
Yet my emotions were real, very real, and I recognized and understood them, if not their source. Now, in reflection, I recognize that source, and take pride in it. I have seen the failure of self-indulgence; I have run from such a world. I would rather die because of a friend's past than have them die because of my own. I would suffer the physical pains, even the end of my life. Better that than watch one I love suffer and die because of me. I would rather have my physical heart torn from my chest, than have my heart of hearts, the esssence of love, the empathy and the need to belong to something bigger than my corporeal form, destroyed.
They are a curious thing, these emotions. How they fly in the face of logic, how they overrule the most basic instincts. Because, in the measure of time, in the measure of humanity, we sense those self-indulgent instincts to be a weakness, we sense that the needs of the community must outweigh the desires of the one. Only when we admit to our failures and recognize our weaknesses, can we rise above them.
Together.

This really makes me think about how I "perceive" my world..

What are your thoughts??

Peace Out.

Wow...what a week.

2004-08-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

First note.

I did see my little one, and she is the most beautiful bravest five year old...only 30 minutes and it moved me deeply. She wouldn't let go of my hand or stop hugging me...and she wouldn't cry..you could see the pain and confusion, but she kept her chin up...broke my heart.

The rest of the week.

My truck broke down, I spent every penny I had and still had to take the bus home from Edmonton....hopefully my friend will be able to figure it out when he gets out there this week.

A question that has come up for me through this has to do with my whole family. Mom, Dad, sis, bro and myself...the whole world we live in fights our efforts to move forward...why?

Praying through this, asking God for His way and His reason for all of this..I can't believe it's normal what we all face day to day...If I only had His peace in it all...that would be enough.

So keep praying for me and mine...as I pray for you and yours.

God bless, Peace Out.

The most nerve wracking time of all.

2004-07-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened.

I have a move to do on Sunday...from Chilliwack to...............................Edmonton.

A chance to see my daughter that I haven't seen since June 2003...and my wife.

My wife is not comfortable about seeing me personally but will not keep me from my little girl.

I am terrified of myself.
What I'll say, what I'll do...my wife makes me so loopy.

Pray for my sanity...and that I'll hold it all together His way.

L8R
God bless, Peace Out.

Broken Heart...

2004-07-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

Needs mending

Hello.

Interesting title, but is so true. I was talking to my girl today, and after having a good time with her, I talked to my wife.

As some of you know, I've been separated for over a year.

Today she told me she wants a divorce, and the only thing staying her hand is money.

My heart didn't know it could hurt more than it already had.

Dear God, why is it that I can't let go? Why is the pain still so new? Father, you've been giving me dreams of hope, encouragement and the strength to hold on....if not for You??

I pray for peace today, for myself and for my wife....that you would bless us both with Your wisdom and Your will.

God bless, Peace.

Hello everyone.

2004-07-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm in this weird place right now.....out of touch with myself...kinda...well...dead inside.

I haven't been able to articulate how I feel, can't seem to feel anyway...I am beginning to think I'm giving up on my life.

I've tried to talk to some friends, but I can't seem to get out of the dark...I'm walking blindly, and I hate it.

My prayers are empty, my spirit is weak, and I can't break the bindings that keep me here.

Father where are you? Where did you go? What can I do to open up, to grow, to give it all?

I just want to bury myself, to not feel this death in me...
Abba, where are you? I need you!

I have not felt this way before, it's like I'm dead but just havn't quite realized it...

My body is wasting away too...no matter how much I eat, the bones in my joints become more pronounced, and I feel weaker with each passing week.

Father, where are you??? What is my sin? Whatis it that I need to do to make this better....

Daddy, I miss you.....

Here I sit, alone, broken.....a very successful failure...
Broken
Alone...

My God, My God, why have you abandoned me???!!!!???

Some strangeness.

2004-07-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

In my thoughts and some such.

Well, this last week has been odd.

I work with two guys, and moved another guy who are older, have no real job skills and live in rooming houses........alone.

Yeah, you guessed it.......the fear overwhelms me, and the people I talk to don't understand very well. Though they try too.

I don't want to end up there. Old, and alone.

Now I know......"I have Jesus, I'll never be alone."

Doesn't quite do it though. If I am to live alone for the rest of my life, why can't I just trust and be content with Him?

Then, my friend James' brother comes for a visit. We hang out at James and Christine's and man we clicked. God showed up, Christine even had a "picture" for me that really caused me to think.

Thanks God for my friends, and that I don't have to be alone.

And Lord, I still pray that You heal the wounds between Gail and I, cause I still miss her much.

God bless, Peace OUt.

The thoughts go on, even when I don't write.

2004-06-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hello

I'm still thinking...yup...synapsis still firing.

The last three days I've been reading "Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes" by Brennan Manning.....pretty deep stuff.

If you haven't read it yet, you should give it a whirl, especially if your anything like me.

It deals with the masks we wear....to protect ourselves and shield our hearts from pain, but how in wearing the "poser" we don't allow ourselves to truly relate with God or with the people in our lives... That is definately me in a nutshell.

I was really hit pretty hard in the "desire" for real intimacy with Abba through it...that is the crux of it for me...I really do want deeper life with Christ, but I'm so afraid He won't like me. That He loves me is a given, He says so often in Scripture, but does He even like me?

I guess the real depth of that, is do I like myself either...at this conjuncture in my life, I don't see much to like..

Now don't take that as "join Ray's pity party", it's deeper than that, cause my friends, (whom I love deeply and appreciate even more than I love), all have encouraging things to say about me, and see me in a whole different light than I see myself...but isn't that normal?

God has been loving me through my church, my friends, and even my loneliness....it's the only reason I'm still looking into all this...the only thing that makes it worth it.

The question of does Abba really like me.......I deeply desire an answer.

God bless, Peace Out.

Where do we start? When does it end?

2004-06-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

AS most of my readers know...
(what few of you I have/had since I don't write everyday anymore)...
I've been separated from my wife for about a year now.

There is a particular issue that she continues to bring up as a reason to why we can't be together..it has to do with my pentient for sexual images of woman...and not necessarily porn either...we're talking, art, music, friends, my own art, my reading, all the things that could bring about "sexual imaging" to my mind. And she's labelled it adultery..

No I know Christ said, if you think it, you've done it....I'm struggling with, where were my thoughts...

I am an artist, I draw, paint, 3D sculpt (Maya Rocks)and thus I see alot of "nude" art....do I need to write it all off as sinful.

I think the real issue she's alluding to is Lust....that I have issues with how I see women...not necessarily in images, but in my own belief system....

If that is the case, how do I change my belief system? How do I come to the place where I see all women as daughters of the most High God?

Father, reveal to me my sin here! Bring to light what is held in darkness! Sweet Jesus, free me from the burden of shame and guilt.

Thank You Father! AAAAMMMEEEENNN!!!!!

Now, open the eyes of my heart, Lord, and let me see YOU!

See ya all faithful readers!

Peace Out.

Updates

2004-05-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, sorry I don't write so much, but hey...I'm not all that.

I just added a pic to my page...signed up on Photobucket so now I have a place that will allow direct links for my pics..so hopefully I'll get some more "look" to my site.

As new thoughts come, I'll write 'em down...sorry for the lack of work, but we'll give her a try.

THinking about starting a support group called Sinner's Annonymous.....

We'll have meetings, get together for support....encourage each other and learn how to live again....

Wait.....it's been done.....Thanks Jesus, Thanks Father...IT IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!

A picture

2004-05-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last week, I really felt God had something to tell me.

It goes like this.

After working a solid week of moving I realized, I had damaged my wedding band. Lifting heavy weights had bent my ring completely out of shape.

Soon after, I went to the mall with a friend and decided to go and get it fixed. We stopped at one jeweller and they said they would have to send it out, because it was so bad they couldn't just put it on the repair post. The gold would crack if they tried to repair it that way. It needed to be heated.

So we went to a jeweller who had a repair sign in the window. 20 minutes later I had my ring back, perfectly rounded and cleaned. It looks great.

Here's what I got out of this.

Our marriage is like my ring. All the abuse and pressures and neglect (if I had removed it during work it wouldn't have been bent) over the years has completely bent our relationship out of shape. But God said trying to just fix it, cold would cause it to just crack, or even break completely. So He needs us to give Him our marriage, so that He can heat it, reshape it, and clean it. That when the Master Jeweller is finished, it is once again perfectly shaped.

And then He said.....Ray, your Love is true, it's the other stuff I need you to give Me.

And then the following Sunday, in church, the Pastor spoke on Hosea being the image of God's steadfastness. And then in Prayer, God promised to restore everything that has been taken from me.

Which relates to a verse I was given prophetically from Hosea...Chapter 6 vs 1 to 3

1 "Come, and let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us to pieces, and he will heal us; he has injured us, and he will bind up our wounds.
2 After two days he will revive us. On the third day he will raise us up, and we will live before him.
3 Let us acknowledge the LORD. Let us press on to know the LORD. As surely as the sun rises, The LORD will appear. He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain that waters the earth."

That's my post for the day.
God bless, Peace Out.

How do you?

2004-05-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

A thought perculating in my mind.

How do you share your heart with someone who will not listen?

There is so much I want to share with someone, but everytime I open my mouth or write it down it is silenced. Everything I say is just taken and reversed or given a negative spin.

Those of you who have read my blog for awhile know I'm refering to my wife. It seems to be that everything I try to write or say is ignored, or she doesn't want to hear me.

I do understand that I haven't been the strongest or most wonderful of conversation partners for the first while, but now that I feel growth and God's spirit moving in me, I want to share it, but she won't hear me.

Father, how do I share my heart with her? How do I share my thoughts, my feelings?

Any insight would be welcome.

Father, I love my wife, and I desire my family to be "born again" in You. Please show me the way.

God bless, Peace Out.

Scattered thoughts.

2004-04-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Like I have any others.

Why do sad songs have such a draw for me? The last post really did hit me hard.

I know God is with me, but am I really with Him? It's that thought that eats at me most.

Am I where He wants me to be, doing the job I'm doing, is it what I'm supposed to do?

Father, you are supposed to be my all and all, why do I feel like I have nothing?

Sweet Lord, please answer my heart's cry for You. Please meet me where I'm at, cause I can't seem to get to you.

Peace Out.

It's Monday, and it's my birthday....

2004-04-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

Wheee!

Here's something I heard today for the first time. It fits my current mood well.

Broken :: Seether Feat. Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore.

It just seems to fit somehow.

A long, lonely time.

2004-04-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Gosh I miss you people!

I'm using a friend's computer as I still don't have internet at home. Couple of things.

1)pray the truck I will use for moving gets fixed soon, it's delaying my ability to earn money...God is my provider, so I'm not worried as much as I am chompin' at the bit to get going.

2)2 elderly Catholic ladies in about as many weeks have blessed me, and prayed for me. Today an old Italian grandma needed a buck to buy her perscription, I had a "Loonie" so I gave it to her. She prayed a Latin benediction and blessing over me before she left....and you know what.. I almost cried.

3) I am still praying and struggling through depression and my relationship with my wife. It's my birthday this month, our wedding anniversary next month and the anniversary of her leaving the following....yeah.. It ain't going to be easy.

Once again, I miss you all, and I get my internet at home on this Friday, so we'll see what's up.

God bless, Peace Out.!!!

Moving.......................sux

2004-03-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know, thanks Rigel.

I will be mostly offline for awhile, with moving and working out of town for a bit... I know I don't blog regular like some of the officiando's I know, but it might just be real sporadic.

I won't be able to get online often until we get a hookup at home and my work sit...balances out.

So until then all ye faithful..

God bless and Peace Out.

Well...it's Official

2004-03-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

Well, maybe it's not Officially official.

I am starting a moving company called Tessien Enterprises....Residential and Commercial moving.
I got my cell number to day and I don't know about your thoughts people, but the fact it ends in MOVE is just to cool.

I pick it up today, get some business cards done up and talk advertising with my friend who has his own company already.

My nephew wants to work for me...I like that idea, as he is a good solid worker and very strong.

God is moving in ways I can't quite put my finger on, but that's good enough for me.

Today, I was listening to Kevin Prosch's Kiss the Son...you know...when you've been broken...and can't walk into the fields of praise.
I feel like that, but the cool thing is when he sings, "but I bow down and Kiss the Son" I really meant it. "Though You slay me, I will trust You Lord." It's not the easiest place to be, but I know it's the best.

I will collect some thoughts on that at another time.

God bless you and Peace Out.

The times they are a changin'!!

2004-03-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

Really?

I gave notice at work yesterday....kind of freeing, kind of scarey. Cool thing is, my super told me he's writting me up as a rehire.

Here's the deal. I have a chance to start my own business. It is primarily a moving company, but it also has carpet cleaning, pressure washing, and painting to fill space.

My super said if it doesn't work out, I can always come back... Nice sentiment. No burnt bridges. I like that.
So in the next few weeks, when you think of me pray for lots of contacts and work. LOL

After sitting on my butt in front of a computer for a year, it's going to be a bit painful at first, but I will adapt.

I am trusting He is in this, and pray it's His way of bringing about a strength of Faith for me.

God bless, Peace Out.

Skype

2004-03-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

Friend of mine sent me a link to this.

It's a phone program...so if you wanna try it out go to http://www.skype.com/home.html it is free and the reception is clear.

I'm going to try it for awhile.

You will need a microphone and headset.

I might post later on some thoughts, but I'm pretty sporadic right now. LOL

God bless, Peace Out.

15 Minutes

2004-03-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

15 minutes before I leave for work today.

I feel tired, empty and alone....just feelings.
I'm definately tired..not sleeping right, but I "know" I'm filled with Him...and He is with me.

I "know" it. I just sometimes have a hard time believing it. My "newness" in Christ is feeling old, tired and worn out.

Father, fill me anew...refresh me with your light, and push out the dark.

You are the all and all Father, You are my resurrection and my life.

I'm waiting for You.

Not sure as to what to do with myself... where my purpose lies. What is my reason for continuing down this road?

You have something for me... beyond my pain, past my circumstances... light at the end of this tunnel?

Yet Oh Lord, I will do my best to Trust You.... maybe my best isn't good enough?

I want to be Yours completely and surrender all to Your gracious hand... for You do know better than I what is to come and what is to be done... I lean on Your wisdom, and ask for Your guidance.. Holy Spirit direct me today.

Peace Out, God bless.

My thoughts are ascattering.

2004-03-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

Not 3 sheets....

I haven't written in awhile, and I'm sorry for that. I've been a little preoccupied.

I'm fighting serious depression...my counsellor has requested I see a doctor...I hope he's not just another pill pusher, but if it's going to help me get stable enough to deal with me.....so be it.

I was reading my last blog, and for my peeps.....nothing changes...you are still Christ to me.

I am contemplating a change in careers. Been offered a chance to own a moving company.....hard physical work, but it might just push me to get off my butt.

No deep revelations of God this time....just that I'm glad I'm still breathing..it hurts, but there's a chance things can get better.

Pray for His hand to be evident to me.

Peace Out my friends.
God bless.

It's Been Awhile

2004-02-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

and I just haven't had anything to say.

I've been rather detached from life this week. No real deep changes or thoughts. I still fight despair and try and hang on to His hem. It's feeling like I'm being dragged. When does the power release and He turn around to look at me?? Oh Lord, I am on the road to ruin. I need your Grace more every day.

I miss hearing from you Geo....I know life is busy and I haven't written either, and I'm sorry.

Jamie, Em....thanks for just being open and honest with me, I really have needed that.

Deb, Bern....Your always encouraging to me, even in my darkness.

Rigel....keep challenging my despair buddy, as only one who knows it can.

James....You bring a ray (no pun there) of Hope into my heart everytime you smile.

Pete.....For someone who doesn't "know" Jesus, your acceptance and advice are less "Daoist" to me and more God using you....yes just like Balaam's a$$, and you know it. LOL

Rebecca, Chaundra, Jen and Sarah.......keep drawing me out of my own stuff. It's encouraging to know that I have something to give to those around me. Other than my own crap. Even if it's just a good laugh.

Shaels.......Keep it real kiddo, I really love that about you.

Ian, Sarah..(different from the last sarah)......Don't let me go, I won't let go of you.

Shannon, Gordie.....Your becoming quite the rudder to this sinking ship.

Lorrie...Shelly...I'm right beside you in the fight....don't give up, cause I won't.

Rob....dive into your salvation now.....the Living Waters of Christ aren't all wave tossed.

Vern...Tom...You don't know me well, but I sense your heart is in it when we talk...Thanks.

Gail.....The words I have fail me. How sorry I am for all of this, and I know it is not I that brings healing and wholeness, only Christ.

Tessa, Lorien....your my girls...I miss you, love you, pray for you. I am so terribly sorry for not being able to be there with you now. But Christ knows the hope I hold for you both. My daughters, you are precious to me.

M&D.....Thanks for just loving me anyway. Even when I really turned my nose at God and at you, you didn't give up. Keep praying.

Eric, Howard, Rick, Doug, Bill...you know who you are and you know how much I love you. Keep me in your prayers as you are in mine.

Thanks for letting me share this today...it's a little eye opening to me just to look at those I have in my life who both care and lift me to my Father. You are an image of Christ to me....

Thanks.

Peace Out.

Another test I just did

2004-02-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

I do these now and again. Some I'll post others are just too weird. God Bless, Peace Out.

ARTISTIC...(sorry, the pic was bugging me.)

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

And it goes on.

2004-02-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

But it ain't all bad.

God's been really working on how I see myself lately. My Pride has been a huge issue for me for a long time. Now for some of you that might sound odd coming from me, but my Pride comes out a little different.

I've always prided myself on being a thorn in the side of the IC types I hung around when I went to a regular church. I've basically had the "this is the way I am, and if you don't like it, "screw you" mentality. I have not shown love when I have exposed the sin of self righteousness in those who judged me. I've been just as selfrighteous back. And for that I ask forgiveness from those I've hurt and patience for those who wait for things to change. I've also used pride in "reverse" where I put myself down even when God says otherwise of me.

This week, I've been exposed. By God through an email I've shared with some of my friends, and through counselling and through prayer and speaking to my church family. I can not choose to stay this way any longer. How that's going to change things I don't know, but God does. Today I was called, Triumphant and Faithful. That means a lot coming from a Father I always felt disliked me. That like the prodigal, my Father is running too me as I acknowledge my sin, and humbly come home to Him. It's a slow walk, as I have become ashamed of my sin, but I am seeing the path form before me.

I pray for the strength and faith to place one foot infront of the other, and I look up to see Him run with open arms.

Thank You Jesus for Your steadfast love and outright Mercy for me. That even now, You accept where I'm coming from knowing where You want to place me.

Thank you all for being here for me while I go through this.

God Bless, Peace Out.

How I think.

2004-01-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

Think think think think

I went to counselling today. It was too short. We started going over how I think about life and the fact that I have a "victim" mentality. That when things go bad, it's because it's happening to me, just to get me. I should think, life happens what can I learn from this.

Now that may be true, I will have to think somemore on that. Not power of positive thinking, but just how I choose to react to things that happen. Whether it's work related or trials that come. How do I react based on that kind of thinking.

I think about my marriage alot. How much I miss my family and how much I know my wife doesn't want me back. That's hard to think about yet it's all I really dwell on. God there has to be something I can do about this. Or if there isn't, please take the pain and frustration away. I want to be free, to be who God made me to be. I do not want to be locked into sadness, because the woman I really feel that I love doesn't return it.

Help me hang on to Your purpose Lord. I will surrender it all and pray You can find a way to make me see the Truth in this.

God bless, Peace Out.

Keeping it simple?

2004-01-20T23:33:00.000-08:00

Wha???!!!!!?

Well, how do we? Been reading a lot about the struggles my friends are having. Makes me feel guilty sometimes for all I absorb in the prayer department.

So you who are struggling on your own, I am sorry for being so weak I don't help. And I pray for you all daily.

What is surrender?

Giving up my life? My rights? My Joys? My Pains? This is what it's perscribed to me as. I believe with all my heart that only God can change me. Yet I know I need to be willing and trusting. How?

I have rights don't I? A right to happiness, freedom and peace?
Where can I get some of these things? The Word says Christ is everything. What does that look like? How do you walk it? These questions plague me deeply, yet I still find no answers. Lord God where are you?

I want to be like my Lord, humble and strong. Leaning on God's wisdom not my own. What does that look like, how do you get there?

I really need a change. A change of mind. My heart is willing but my spirit is weak. Lord fill me with Your Spirit.

There is only one thing in your way right now Jesus.

Me.

God bless, Peace Out.

Deep thought of the day.

2004-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Now, I'm thinking hard lately, so this might not be as clear as it should yet.

I got an email from a friend the other day. Good man, doesn't always agree with me, but he definately stretches my faith. He mentioned how people are doing things according to Situational Ethics rather than Biblical Righteousness.

As a church have we given up that desire for holiness and righteousness for their own sake for anything that fits our situation better?

I pray for righteousness for righteousness' sake. Not for earthly reward or even to use as fire insurance, but to be truthfully righteous in Christ. Not striving for perfection out of guilt but out of love for the perfect One I want to emulate.

God bless, Peace Out.

Just musin'

2004-01-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

Thinkin' that is.....

Well, life is going on whether I will it or not.
Been thinking about my purpose in life...what it is?

some say our purpose is to worship God. And I don't disagree, but I mean beyond existence from one day to the next.

If you feel the need to pray for me...and I hope you do. Pray God gives me that sense of purpose and passion again.

I'm wanting to be whole and full of His Spirit. I desire His presence in all I do.......whatever it is I'm doing. But somehow, I really just want that fire again.

Light the Fire again Oh, God.
Keep me burning ever true.
When the world around is failing,
I just want to be with You.

God bless all, Peace Out.

Found something Interesting.

2004-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

Went to a blog page from a guy who has commented on my page. He had this link on his site.
Sorry, I can't just give a quick link but I'm learning.
My results. Don't laugh.

You are Lamentations.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Carpe Diam?!

2004-01-08T00:32:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my life when "Carpe Diam" meant something.
If you don't know the term, it basically means "seize the day".

At some point, I lost that. I'm not sure how, or when, but I did. Now, I seize nothing. No matter how much I want to, I am afraid to. Why?

The things in this life that trouble me most I created. My circumstance is my own. The effects of losing my passion is a lot of pain. For those I have cared the most about, and for myself. I can't blame anyone, not even God. It is I and I alone who must stand accountable. To God, and to my children, and to my wife, and ex-wife. Those friends who have stood by me, when I least deserved it, and those I walked away from, including Christ.

Thank God for His mercy. Thank you Father for Your grace. You are sufficient for me. You know my pain and my sin. You know my thoughts before I do. Father forgive me for all I have created. I ask humbly now that You would step in. I have never deserved Your love. I don't think that's what You intended either. But I am increasingly greatful for the steadfast love You have shown me.

I surrender all, to You. Heavenly Father, my failings and my joys. My despair and my hope, I give it all to You. In this the darkest moments of my life, I surrender.

You are my beginning and my end. You are the only constant hope. Dear Jesus, please forgive me.

Baptize me in Your Grace and Mercy. Thank You for Your ever present Wisdom. Help me to really listen to You and those I love.

Amen.

Isaiah 43:1-13
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The LORD Has Rescued His People
Descendants of Jacob, I, the LORD, created you and formed your nation. Israel, don't be afraid. I have rescued you. I have called you by name; now you belong to me. When you cross deep rivers, I will be with you, and you won't drown. When you walk through fire, you won't be burned or scorched by the flames. I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, the God who saves you.
I gave up Egypt, Ethiopia, and the region of Seba in exchange for you. To me, you are very dear, and I love you. That's why I gave up nations and people to rescue you. Don't be afraid! I am with you. From both east and west I will bring you together. I will say to the north and to the south, "Free my sons and daughters! Let them return from distant lands. They are my people-- I created each of them to bring honor to me."
The LORD Alone Is God
The LORD said:
Bring my people together. They have eyes and ears, but they can't see or hear. Tell everyone of every nation to gather around. None of them can honestly say, "We told you so!" If someone heard them say this, then tell us about it now. My people, you are my witnesses and my chosen servant. I want you to know me, to trust me, and understand that I alone am God. I have always been God; there can be no others. I alone am the LORD; only I can rescue you. I promised to save you, and I kept my promise. You are my witnesses that no other god did this.
I, the LORD, have spoken. I am God now and forever. No one can snatch you from me or stand in my way.

Today is today.

2004-01-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

Hello there dilligent readers.

I struggle daily with my feelings. I don't want them to control, but they have an enormous affect on my well being.

today I feel worn out. Empty. I try to hang on to the hem of His garment, but I feel my fingers slipping. Tomorrow I have an appointment at a Christian Counselling center. Hopefully the weather holds and I can still make it. Prayerfully, I hope it is worth going.

I want so much to be someone different. Not someone else, but me, whole and complete in Christ, yet I struggle with the image of what that should look like.

I believe God has shown me to stay faithful to my wife, even though she has stated she has no feelings for me. She has "cut" me off for all intents and purposes. I still care deeply about what happens to her, and pray she is following Christ completely. She is a wonderful lady, and I know I've hurt her deeply over the last 10 years, and I don't deserve any consideration from her part, yet I pray daily God would soften her heart.

Am I crazy??
Sometimes.

Well people. I love you who I know, and I know I can love those I don't. Keep praying for His mercy to flow. The journey isn't half finished.

God bless, Peace Out.

My Bones Melt within me.

2004-01-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

Where Are You??

God, I feel my chest cave. I wonder where you are. Those things I hurt for the most I can't change.
I know my heart cries for deep relationship with you, I've woken myself up singing your priaze in my sleep. Yet Where Are You?
My Spirit melts within, I wonder where you are.

Right here, weeping beside me.
Thank you Father for Your compassion. Thank You Jesus for your love.

Help me to step outside of my heart into Your life.

My wife says she has no feelings for me and is done waiting.....because I haven't changed.
It's been six months. At three months she said I was upset cause things weren't happening fast enough for me.....kettle/pot...both black.

Lord hear my heart today. I just want to die........Your way, not mine.

I want to be different today, I'm not. I want passion, I have emptiness. Peace, I have emptiness, Joy breeds despair.
I am so tired of this, and I don't know how to Change.
Father, Where ARe You!!!!!?????!!!

Peace Out.

What is it now?

2003-12-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

Lots of time between calls to read and think.

Jamie has some awesome stuff at www.bechurch.net on community "building". Lots of deep insight there my brother. And those who are responding are really insightful as well. Seems there might be a little community in the works right there. ;-)

I have been praying alot lately about me. Where I'm at, and my sin and habitual behaviour. God is opening a door into counselling. (I got a call from Seven Oaks, I need to call back and make an appointment. Things just were too late when I found out, so I will try tomorrow morning.) Those things I am struggling with the most, I can't find a root for. Maybe God will reveal them to me here.

I don't seem to be enjoying life much anymore. I exist. I can be silly and crazy, and make people laugh, but most of the time it just feels hollow. I pray for His infilling Spirit to fill the empty space everyday. Your prayers in that direction are greatly appreciated. (And requested)

Anyway, God bless, Peace Out.

Ressurection Power!

2003-12-29T12:11:00.000-08:00

What is it???

I've been reading a lot about the ressurection power. The power that Raised Jesus from the dead.
my prayer is thus, Lord, I need that. I need to be alive in You!!
Lord, I need that power to raise my marriage. That your power can change anything. Lord keep me faithful and keep me hopeful.

I still need to be raised. I know I am His, but I feel half awake. Like I'm more undead than alive.

God save me from this lukewarmness. I would rather be cold than lukewarm, but I desire HOT!!!

God bless, Peace Out

Merry Christmas

2003-12-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Notice no X

Well it's Christmas eve. Miss my family. Wish somehow I was different than I am right now. Only through Christ who's birth we celebrate can bring about real change.

I want it.

I hope anyone reading this understands my heart. Maybe just a little. That I want a real relationship with Christ. And I want my family back.

Two great desires, and I don't think they conflict.

Have a happy time with family and friends.
My prayers for your blessings, whomever you are.

Peace Out.

Doh!!!!

2003-12-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

Just came to a conclusion.

This whole bloggin' thing is awesome. I love being able to just spew forth my thoughts and feelings without worrying about how I say it, or what tone I have. It all comes out the same.

But I just thought of something.

What about the people who read this. Now people who actually really care about my heart, my life and me in general might find a good source of information on what to pray for me, what moods I go through and where I'm just plain crazy.

Those people who read my stuff with an agenda, those looking for reasons to doubt my faith or my decisions. Those are the ones I am wondering about today.

Do the things I say here effect that. Or do they just reinforce an already shaky opinion of me. Hard to say. I found out that if you search Corteka on Google, I come up here.........

Well, God is good, and His mercy endures, so I will have to TRUST Him and that He filters my words to all. To see my heart's desire, not necessarily the painful road I walk.

God bless, peace out.

Just thinking

2003-12-20T16:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I can ya know.

I'm just sitting here at work, waiting for calls....as that's what I do. I've been thinking over the last few days about my personal state. How I relate to God, what I expect from Him, and what I expect from me.

Serious deep thoughts. Not all that compatible with "tell me how to get my internet fixed."

I have been praying seriously for the last month about counselling and what God wants to do with my heart condition. It's effect on my ability to give myself to Him completely, and my ability to cope with separation and financial difficulty.

Last night I watched "Seabiscuit". Good movie. (Not ROTK, but good none the less). The one comment made by the trainer character caught me pretty hard.

"You don't throw out a body, just because it's banged up a bit." (something like that, my direct quotes are a little off sometimes.)

I began to pray. I want to run, Abba. I want to finish the race. Thank you God for not giving up on me, even when people I love do. Thank you God for not giving up on me, especially when I do.

I've been reading Corinthians and Galatians lately. I need His love, and I need to Love. Period. Only He can teach me, only He can grow my heart.

I really miss my wife and daughter. I really miss my daughter from my first marriage. Only God can heal the rifts created this last while. I pray He makes me whole. I still try to hang onto the hope that God can converge our life paths again. And right now, it would take a serious miracle.

Keep praying for me, I'm still behind the barn.
Peace Out.

And the Pain Goes On!!!!!

2003-12-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

Well, here it goes.

Went and saw ROTK......I lauged, I cried, it moved me Bob! I actually left saddened. Was it because it was over? Was it because it affected my heart? Time will tell. But a lot of the story really spoke of things I desire in my life. Mercy, Grace, Loyalty, and a ragin' sense of honor.

And then the crushing blow. I talked to my wife and daughter again on the phone. I haven't seen them for six months now. And she still will not talk to me about us.

I feel wreaked. My hope is failing. Will Frodo destroy the ring? Then for Frodo!!!!

I long so much to be whole. To be complete in Christ. Yet I find I am less than I was when I began. I am seeking counselling now. As I fear I am unable to come to terms with myself.

Who am I anyway?

If you read this, pray for me. Pray for Christ to live fully in me, for I fear I am dying within. That soon I will be just the empty shell I feel I am becoming.

I want so much to be with my family. I want so much to be complete in Christ. I I I.

As I watch my life fall apart, I'm left wondering, God are you still for me?

Yet I will bless the Lord, with every breath that aches for release, I will praize His Holy Name!!!!! Through the veil of tears I cry even now. Lord, You must be glorified.

Keep praying for me.

Peace Out.

How soon?

2003-12-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

A dear man passed away tonight. He will never be known by many, in fact he was mostly alone. But he had Jesus. I pray that I will be as brave on my day, and I hope I can be right with God before it's too late.

I don't know what else to say, other than that's it.

Though I don't always understand why, God is still good.

Peace Out, God bless.

Jamie's Inspiration

2003-12-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

Love ya man!!!!

Jamie has inspired me to start up my own "website".
I've already got one, but I can't edit or change anything freely.

So check out the new one off to the right. the webserve.ca one.
God bless Peace Out.

Today is a new day

2003-12-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

I know I think it's a cliche too.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. GK Chesterton, Geroge McDonald and Scripture. One thing I'm finding is that the further back I go into reading )Thinking men, sharing their thoughts on the Gospel, God and the relationship we have with both.) the more I realize I have been mistaught the meaning of Salvation and the remission of sins. Something I am sure we all struggle with.

The battle is not with Flesh and Blood, it is within ourselves. Between our will and His will. Satan certainly influences our choice to follow our own will, but it is still a choice. The longer we strive for righteousness, (for righteousness' sake, not some ethereal other reward) the more God through Christ will lift us to choose His Will. But it must start with myself. I must decide to dismiss my sin. And let God mold the rest from there. A moving ship really is easier to steer.

Well, that's what I got in the last two days anyway. God will reveal more.

Peace Out.

From Work

2003-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Just sitting here waiting for a call and was thinking about life.
It's interesting. Today I look forward to finishing work, and not having to work tomorrow.
Why? The job is not hard, it's never boring, and yet I want to be at home.
Maybe I don't feel well today..........well actually I do feel kinda ill.

Looking forward to what happens next.

Peace Out.

Deep thoughts

2003-12-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

I wonder some time as to why sin is so strong?
What is it in me that feeds it so much?

I want desperately to be His and know His presence, and I do everything except get closer.
Like Paul said......everything I want to do, I don't, and everything I don't want to do, I do.

And if I could grasp how it is no longer I, but sin in me.......then maybe I could finally stand up and just be Nancy Reagan................

Just say NO!

Joy is a turn away, Happiness is fleeting.
Peace is eternal, contentment a choice.

God bless, Peace Out.

A New Day?

2003-12-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

Everyday is new right?

Yet the same ol' same ol' happens every "new" day.
I keep praying for a change to come from within. I'm still waiting on Him.

Maybe seeking professional help will be just that, help.

God bless you and yours.
Peace Out.

Newness

2003-12-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

Just getting some new things setup on the ol'blog.

got my comments Jamie........thanks for the lead.

Will write more soon......I think.

Peace Out.

Update

2003-12-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Still struggling, still hoping. I guess that's all there really is to say today. I'm supposed to get "supboena'd" to go to court over debt today.......wonder what's going to happen next.

God bless, and keep praying.

Peace Out.

Yeah, I still feel I'm behind the barn.

Things aren't getting better.

2003-11-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

Well, things aren't what can I say.

I tried to find a way to remove my wife from the truck debt and I can't unless I have a cosigner. No one I know can afford or would help me there. My debt is way higher than my income. After Rent and child support, I have 3 credit cards 2 student loans and my truck insurance and truck payment and computer payment....................lalalala..........the list goes on.

I know I made some bad choices and I am doing my best to change all this, but somehow I just get so depressed. My wife has left, and she not only has her own house, (she rents 3 rooms to University students to pay the rent, and nannies her friend's children to pay the rest and so isn't rolling in dough or anything), someone gave her a newer mini-van, and she seems to be quite content and happy without me. She is paying the minimum payments on our shared card........Thank God........and I haven't been able to send her child support yet..............MY God where are You in this?

I just want to do what is right. God's way, not my way. His time not mine. Keep praying for me, I'm still behind the barn.

Peace Out.

Hello

2003-11-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

Been awhile, kinda distracted lately. I know you can't comment yet, but I am still learning. I will get some help from another blogger friend of mine some day.

The more this life goes on the way it is, the more I realize how little I can do to change it. I pray every day that God will either rescue me or take me home. I don't know which I would prefer either. I want so much to hold my girls again. And to know I am in His complete will again........but who knows.

Everyone in the home church I attend seems to be fighting the dark, the dryness of life........I hope that I didn't bring it with me.

Lord, you are my Rock, my Source and my Foundation. Break down the walls in my life that keep me living this way. Lord may You have sovereignity over my heart once again. Lord please, I can't fight this pain anymore. Please take it from me.

Thanks for listening.

Peace Out.

Opening thoughts.

2003-11-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

Being behind the Barn.
What does that mean anyway?
It denotes a time of discipline, a time of learning. I guess.

God is good. He loves me enough to train me in His ways. And to do that, I guess He needs my attention.
He's got it now.

I'm working through some tough times at this moment. Financial difficulties, and marital separation. And the hardest being that I'm separated from the most wonderful people in my life. I have gone through anger, bitterness and pain, I have been drawn closer to Christ in it, and yet I still feel pain.

Pain is part of being "behind the barn". I do love my family very much, I am working through a grieving process as well. Sometimes I wonder how long will this last, and then I wonder if it's forever. I do hope, I do pray, that things will move forward in this, in His time, in His way.

Jumbled enough for ya? It is for me. I used to be comfortable in this kind of mess, but I don't want it anymore. I want God, I want His presence. Beyond blessing, beyond comfort, I just want Him. Does that make sense?

This page will hopefully be an outlet for me to think, to vent and to become more free in Christ. I want that freedom with a desperation that I have never really known before.

So if you read these, pray. That's all, just pray.

God bless those that seek His face. Please.

2003-11-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome to a new blog..............wow.